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Stop Fearing Instability and Make It Work

Yesterday, my doctor emailed me — I have a cyst in my cleft lip, and I have to go under surgery to have it taken out. Although, it is not life threatening, having it around is somewhat bothersome. The cyst is blocking a nostril, so I can’t inhale or blow my nose through that one. It stings, both figuratively and literally. With the impending dissolution of the Affordable Health Care Act (or Obama Care), I need the health insurance I get through work more than ever. Along with this Cyst making an appearance, and the diagnosis that I’m diabetic, I am now officially counted as one with a pre-existing condition. If I lose my job and my health insurance, there’s no way I could afford to be healthy. And so exist this fear of instability, more prominent today than last Thursday.


However, when you do not love your stable job, and the unstable job that you love demands more time — the noose around your neck gets tighter. Suffocation depletes the oxygen from your brain, and that makes you think there’s no point being healthy anyways. Writing is a psychotic jealous mistress, Yandere to the bones. Lately, I have not been happy at work. When I was still writing, I could brush that off deftly. But since I spend more time plotting and outlining to patch up the holes, I haven’t vomited words to make me feel better. Then a glitch in my work computer came up. Of course, I had to report it. Boss got mad, told me to remove all the things I’ve added to said computer. Even though I knew it wasn’t the cause of the problem, and even if it’s for work like GIMP and Spybot, I uninstalled everything. He told me, if I needed to design a poster, I should use MS Paint. YES. MS PAINT. I also removed my One Piece desktop wallpaper, which was the only thing that made me smile after a difficult customer or an intractable employee. No longer were we allowed to use the computer for anything but work. For a few days, I contemplated on resigning. Maybe I should just drive for Uber or Lyft. I could deliver food for Uber or that other one that’s like Lyft. Before the week ended, I thought about it long and hard. Now’s not the time to be overly sensitive and lose a job over it. I’m doing great work. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, I did more than what my job required. A moment of clarity hit me, as I listened to the President’s speech, I was doing more for the job I detested than the job I liked. I don’t need to leave my job. I’ve watched people stay with what they loathed just for the kids. So why can’t I stay for the money and the health insurance? All I need is to perfect compartmentalization. I just need to be in that job nine hours a day, five days a week. No more, no less. Granted I don’t take home much money compared to my friends. But then, I don’t have to take home work either. I don’t have to think too much since after three years I’ve systematized much of the work. I don’t have to volunteer my extra set of skills; I just have to follow orders and work within the set parameters. 


I don’t have to make posters for products anymore unless asked. I don’t have to answer customer inquiries in social media, not part of my job. I don’t have to make instructional videos for the store TVs; no resources provided anyways. I don’t have to compose instructional videos; it doesn’t work because nobody’s paying attention. I don’t have to think of schemes to promote foot traffic; it seems not expected nor appreciated. I don’t have to stay longer than my shift to rush jobs because I don’t have those other things I mentioned to take up my time. The past few days at work, I have got it down. That glitch in my work computer became a release more than a source of stress. I have been so relieved it jump-started my creative process. Because I’m no longer over-thinking over a thing, I don’t like. I have freed up neurons from drudgery. I have three more short movies added in my to-do-list. So instead of worrying about health insurance — work with the system. Instead of bearing stress and hate for work, systematize it. WORK THE SYSTEM. Work around your situation. Eventually, it’d be ok to be with my mistress more than my wife. That said, hey look! That’s me on YouTube — geeking out, flipping out, and confessing my writing sins. Well, the first one is just me trying to Casey Neistat this sh*t, but I’m nowhere near anything like that. First things first — overcome my shyness.
Outlines do make it easier.
815 words. LOL

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