"Motivation will almost always beat mere talent."
-- Norman Ralph Augustine
My body have grown so used to NOT working full 40 hours a week. My last full time job was with that licorice skin care company. That was just my second official, post-university, young professional position. Everything else, part-time. Why? Because I am an artiste; a writer; a filmmaker.
In reality, I'm just a pretentious bull-sh*ter. I have only finished one short movie in my life, and I haven't written anything worth reading since my creative writing class. I've always blamed it on having no time.
But to be honest, I'm just lazy. I'm all dreams and ambition, zero motivation.
These days, I don't have time for real. I work 9x5. Even on my days-off, I'm still on call. I'm always looking at numbers, prices, and sales reports. I'm always dealing with a massive amount of people, half of them irate customers looking for products we don't carry because we're not Daiso or a dollar store. I'm always worrying about swindlers, and scammers, and shop-lifters. This is the life of a retail store manager. Been doing it for for three months now. This was never part of my plan.
Today, my blood pressure when i got home was 156/104. My heart was palpitating. I was almost in tears without reason. I have finally understood what true stress meant. I'm so stressed out. I've actually grown wrinkles.
Recognizing true stress, I remembered that my best work had always been written under duress; and that have always been the best motivation for me. Hell, I'm writing right now because I'm stressed.
However, a couple of months ago, I had a different motivation to write. Originally, this post was written this way:
"Ohno Satoshi had a personal punishment system -- if he doesn't finish an art project, he'll mutilate(?) [NOTE: my vocabulary needs work] himself, like shave an eyebrow . It works for him since his primary business is his face. If he comes to work with only one eyebrow, he'll get a tremendous(?) nagging. And the details of the nagging would be told in Japanese mass communication over and over. Public humiliation seems to be the favorite punishment for Arashi.
"But I digress.
"I tried working with the same punishment system. However, I couldn't seem to scare myself into writing. Self-mutilation was something I did sa freely, it stopped being a punishment. Making myself ugly was moot, I know I'm pretty but I don't know if everybody sees it, even those who say they do. Deeply ingraned insecurity is a burden I keep. Plus, my face isn't exactly my business.
"I don't smoke weed, in fact I've stopped smoking altogether. I do have my own addiction and I can use that as a motivation to finish something. So, I thought of creating a motivation board.
"With this system I hope to overcome my laziness, my writing insecurities, and my fear of grammar. Practice makes perfect.
"Also, I really really wanna go home to the Philippines for a vacation, s..." [NOTE: Yes, I really ended with just an 'S' and I don't remember what the 'S' stands for.]
I wrote this on January 23rd. Over two months ago. The inspiration came fleetingly one morning, and it fleet away just as fast. Fleeting frakity frak Ack.
The thing is, I can't rely on stress as a motivation. I shouldn't. I should be my own bugger. I should annoy myself until I finish a story, a script, or at least a blog post. I should give myself my own deadline. I should whip my own ass. Not as fun as it would be with a real dominatrix -- but totally good training for if/when I decide to become a dominatrix.
Therefor, I'm going to follow through with my motivation board which I spent a whole day making. Hours I could have spent writing. [Procastination at its best, yipee (/sarcasm)]. I also have already lined up shoes and clothes I want to buy with my written works. One of which is an Anna Sui dress from Target that is $10 a piece.
Wish me all the luck. Or wish my bank luck. For whenever I skip a day of writing and can't present my output -- I give a $1.00 to a jar that will be given to somebody or something I don't like instead.