|And for a moment, I almost cried.|
I'm not a shy person. I try to tell everybody I am, but nobody believes it. I've always wondered why. If I'm NOT shy, then why do I become a nervous wreck when I try to meet new people?
Has anybody ever noticed that?
No, I guess not. Very few people ever saw that part of me.
Hey Jane, remember when I first met you? I smoked twice as much; I stuttered half of the time; most of my sentences were incomprehensible -- even to me; and, my hands were pretty cold in the middle of a warm windless night. But, then, when you came to visit us in the Philippines, I was pretty much normal. A little too normal, bordering to obnoxious control freak.
Hey Keipots, remember that time we went to the first New Worlds convention? After stopping at three booths (PHP, Slayers & VA), I just sat on the pavement and watched Via Astris members in their uniforms happily chatting away? But, then, later, I practically opened the convention doors? Four times, in fact
Last Saturday (March 16) I attended my first film co-op's town hall meeting where they mingle; and pitch their projects; and try to "express interest" in joining one's project. I tried really hard to "express my interest" -- I introduced myself; I shook their hands; told them I'd like to work in their projects, as anything, really; told them I made a couple of short movies in the Philippines as AD & Script Supervisor (thank you, Mike D.); gave them my email address and my mobile phone number; and, just as fast, said goodbye.
After the crew market shopping, everybody was invited to go to the bar (at 3:30p.m. -- happy hour). I wanted to go, but, I was hesistant, knowing I'm bad at this. I blame my social ineptitude in the art of small talks. On the other hand, I feel bad spending $50 a month and then waste the networking privileges. So even at the risk of sitting in a corner like a wallflower, I went with them. Although, to be honest, if this one person there didn't invite me personally, I would have really flaked. True enough, the flower did indeed stuck to the wall. I can name two moments when it got awkward because of my presence. I don't think I'll ever get that project.
When I got home -- instead of reveling in the victory of having finally found productions to work in -- I wallowed in self-pity, asking myself, what the f*ck is wrong with me?
Avoidant Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:-- All the jobs I got after leaving the call center and moving to the U.S. had always been just me, in front of the computer, isolated from everyone else, directly reporting to the big boss.
A.) Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
B.) Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.-- I never involved myself with anything that is not fandom related. In fandoms, you have one common interest, and so rejection was almost non-existent. As long as you have basic knowledge of the fandom and don't piss them off, they'll accept you with open arms. Theatre, Star Trek, Arashi, and, even SS501, which I hardly know anything about at all and I got through Thailand trip because I know something about Kim Hyun Joong.
C.) Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being ashamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth.-- How long did my relationships lasted? Scratch that -- how many relationships have I had? Three -- counting the non-relationship. In all techincallity -- two. If based on the U.S. system of dating -- One.
D.) Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
E.) Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
F.) Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
G.) Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.-- In my situation it's kind of reversed. I'm reluctant to to follow up one success in fear of flopping the second one. I've only written and directed one stage play. I've only written and directed one short movie. I've only spearheaded one event. One-hit-wonder.
According to OutoftheFOG.net, a person with AvPD has 40 common characteristics and traits. I hit 31 out of the 40.
Thanks to my hyper-self-awareness, I recognize my own flaws. Granted, I don't have a medical certificate to make accurate diagnoses, neither do I have a degree in Psychology (but, I really do want one), so all of these are just speculations. But, with these speculations, can I not treat myself to get better? I don't want to take pills, but, I'm willing to talk it out. I'm so glad to have NWA, and VA, and Deadlies,and QSR families -- they coped with this for years. I'm also sorry, I must have been so hard to deal with. (My college friends had it easy, I was pretty ok back then.)
- "Always" and "Never" Statements - "Always" and "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.
- Avoidance - The practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
- Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.(But, I've had this since I was 5yo. I blamed some stairs once for tripping and scratching my knees.)
- Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
- Circular Conversations - Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.
- "Control-Me" Syndrome - This describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature. (Well hello there Micah's Roastbeef Steak)
- Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being. (Sorry, aniki, I've been reliant on you for almost a decade now.)
- Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can't seem to break out of it - that's depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self-worth and the results of their own poor choices.
- Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world. (Hello harem!)
- False Accusations - False accusations, distortion campaigns and smear campaigns are patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticisms which occur when a personality disordered individual tries to feel better about themselves by putting down someone else - usually a family member, spouse, partner, friend or colleague. (Sorry, D, you've might have been a victim of this the most.)
- Fear of Abandonment - A pattern of irrational thought exhibited by some personality-disordered individuals, which causes them to occasionally think they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced by someone close to them.
- Hyper Vigilance - The practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others. (Sorry, B, I think I did this to you a couple of times)
- Identity Disturbance - A distorted or inconsistent self-view.
- Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
- Lack of Object Constancy - A symptom of some personality disorders, Lack of Object Constancy is an inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children do not develop until two or three years of age.
- Low Self-Esteem - A common term used to describe a group of negatively-distorted self-views which are inconsistent with reality.
- Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.
- Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills. (I started hyperventilating again, btw)
- Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child of a personality-disordered parent is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the other children. (And this is how I found out, that I am my mother's daughter.)
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior - The expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (for example, through procrastination and stubbornness).
- Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in other areas of living.
- Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
- Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention. (Mostly self-sabotage)
- Selective Competence - The practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence or ability depending on the situation or environment.
- Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
- Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
- Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization or "playing the victim" is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.
- Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad". (Hey D, I think you have this one, too)
- Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.
- Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual's thoughts or feelings.
- Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
I'm seeing the the signs again. And I just want it to stop.
Hey Duds, remember the time after the whole f*cked up situation with SFF, I just went and holed up myself in the dorm and you had to pick me up to find out if I'm still alive?
Hey Mai, remember the time after the whole f*cked up break-up with M, I just went and holed up myself in my apartment for almost a whole year and only went out because you asked me to have coffee with you?
I don't want Hikkikomori dekya to turn up again.
Hey Jake. Remember I said I fell in love with you? The thing was, I formed the sentence in past tense so that you could not reject me. And I used my X as an escape plan in case you still rejected me. I'm sorry, I didn't have the courage own up to my feelings.
I can also hear Mai saying "stop psycho-analysing yourself!"