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As soon as Mai finished reading yesterday's blog, she asked me, "does it always have to be about him?"
I'm a dog, my collar chained to a pole. I move forward, but then as I run faster, the harder I get yanked back. The collar burns my neck, the choking feeling lingers. Eventually, the pain passes, but the scars stay.
This is a metaphor I've been using since Elbi -- the pole to which I've tied myself to. It's the closest figure of speech that I could use to describe what I've been through. I was the one who chained myself on that pole. It's my responsibility to untie myself. I thought chewing on the chain would be much faster. I did not comprehend that removing the collar would be much easier, and safer.
I was hoping this entry would answer the question I have posted: "If I was so in love with that person, why did I fold just to be friends with him, and anted when I have little to bet on, and raised when it was obviously a loss?"
I can't remember from which chapter of NANA the picture came from, it was definitely in the chapter when Ren died (oops, spoilers). I saved the image the moment I read it, not knowing it was the only one that could answer a question no one dared but should have asked me years ago.
During one of our Starbucks hang-out sessions, I told Mai that it's so convenient to be married to Ohno Satoshi or Ninomiya Kazunari. Since I want to work all over the world and have family and friends in the USA and the Philippines, I can leave them in Japan and it'll be alright (as long as Ohno has his fishing and Nino has his games). Mai said, "that's not commitment. That's just making them your boy(s)-friday."
I put my ambition before love. I wasn't aware of it when I was 18, but, it was simply because of that. And even with this epiphany, I don't regret putting my love for movie-making before my love for a boy. He wasn't worth giving up my dreams for. I'm not trying to convince myself, mind you. It's just a fact. I'm happy that I've finished one short movie. I don't have any intention of stopping. I have stories to tell and movies to show, TV series to air and talents to launch. I have an Oscar to win. Giving him up for all of this is so easy.
And who knows, I might get an Arashi instead.